The 'Guys + Chunky Knit' Conundrum

Hello fellow crazy people! How are you?

It has been ages and for that I apologise. However, I am back and will hopefully stay here for a while.

Before I go any further however, I need to tell you something. I had a, what I suppose you could call,  epiphany. Or maybe it was just a moment of mental breakdown. Whichever one it was, I had it. Let me set the scene. . .

I was in T K Maxx, shopping. I had finished looking in the women's section of clothes so I decided, as a bit of a change of scenery, I would have a look at the men's clothes. So, I was looking at a garment in particular. A grey, chunky knit, men's cardigan. It was beautiful. But as I was feeling the arm of the garment, something happened. Right there and then, my whole resolve to stay single diminished before me. I felt ridiculously vulnerable and alone.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, my resolve to stay single had diminished in the Men's Section of T K Maxx.

I kid you not.

So here I am, sitting on my bed, eating Salted Popcorn feeling a little bit sorry for myself. (I also have a massive bar of Galaxy Cookie Crumble, but no one needs to know that minor detail). I have a massive list of things to do before I start into a serious relationship. Things on this list include travelling, travelling and even more travelling. I haven't even done #1 on the list, let alone #36.

However, to keep myself focused I made up a list of reasons WHY I don't want to be in a relationship. It went something like this. . . 

- I'm too 'me' orientated... I don't wanna have to consider someone else's feelings before my own. I wanna think about myself for a change. No one else. Call this narcissistic if you want, I stopped caring a looong time ago =)

- I have too many obsessions... Bruno Mars, Russell Howard, Channing Tatum ... chocolate, just eating in general, to name a few =P

- I like to go out with friends and not worry about what other people think. I don't flirt with guys. At all. But I like to have friends that are guys without someone being jealous =S

- I'm happy. Just as I am =)

- I don't want added stress =)

So, these are my reasons. *sigh of relief*... glad I got that one off my chest =)

So there you have it. I know this is a completely pointless post but I thought I'd grace you with it anyway.

Oh and just in case any of you watch The Great British Bake Off. . . HOW amazing was it?!?!?!

A MAHOOSIVE CONGRATULATIONS to John Whaite for winning!!! (I know it's highly unlikely that John follows my blog, but just in case he ever decides to Google his name, I have hopes that my blog will sneak into the search results and be seen by him =P)

Commiserations to James Morton (his 'Derelict Barn' was brilliant!!!) and Brendan Lynch (a massive contender). Again, I am in hope that they will Google their names and come across this blog xD

Ok guys, thanks for reading!

Keep smiling!

Ditzy xXx

Perfume: Stilton or Pepper, Sir/Madam?

I'm going to be honest my fellow blog-reading-cupcakes, I have no idea what to write about. I have neglected this blog for so long and literally have had no inspiration over the past few months. Literally the only thing that has popped into my mind is to tell you about my new perfume. . . So I will. Please, do not die of boredom. But be prepared. This is not going to be one of my better blogs. You might need a cuppa coffee to keep you awake for this one.

Anyway, I am going to tell you about a perfume I bought. I have been wanting to buy a really unique perfume for some time. I don't fancy smelling like everyone else. I wanted something unique and captivating (do you like my big choice of words there?). I wanted something that made peoples heads (or noses) turn.

Now, when Google-ing this, I came across something rather interesting. Celebs nowadays are trying out a new type of scent. Prepare yourselves. . . celebs are going for something called Eu De Stilton. Yes. . . Stilton. And, Yes. .  .the scent is cheese. Now, you may be in a state of shock so, being the kind person that I am, I will do the maths for you.

Eu De Stilton + Man/Woman = Man/Woman Stinking Of Cheese.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong but, if your trying to impress someone, be it your friends, family, or partner, surely cheese is not the road you want to go down. I mean, it's not even the humble MILD CHEDDAR. We're talking about something that, quite frankly, smells of sweaty feet! Why spend ridiculous amounts of money on the perfume? My not just stick a piece of actual Stilton down your top and be done with it? JUST IMAGINE public transport if this perfume was a 'success'. I mean, they already smell questionable now. A Monday morning bus/train/tube usually has the concoction of stale vomit, urine, and sometimes, oddly enough, banana's. I don't quite know where the banana scent comes from. But it's there, lurking in the corners. A relief from the other smells, but mixed up is just lethal.

Anyway, I obviously didn't want to go down the Stilton route any time soon. So I found a perfume that fitted my requirements perfectly. This perfume was a head turner. I read literally hundreds of reviews and most of them said how amazing this perfume smelled. Apparently, it is one chemical that works with your own pheromones to create a unique 'you' smell. As I said, about 99.9% of the reviews said how amazing it was and that every time they wore it, they would get complimented on it. So I thought I'd splash out and go for it. Surely, I thought, I wouldn't be like the remaining 0.1% who claimed they couldn't smell anything. So I ordered it.

The day of the arrival of my perfume came and . . . I missed the delivery. So I went to the post office to retrieve it. (Bare in mind, I rang the post office to see if I could come 15 minutes after the closing time because I wouldn't be able to get there beforehand. The gentleman was so kind that he said he would be there to give me my package). So I got there, only to find out that my parcel wasn't in fact at the Post Office but the Postman still had it. SO my friend and I drove around looking for the Postman, to no avail. (Yes, people did get slightly freaked out when we ran up to them asking if they'd seen the postman. And No, certain people in red tops didn't appreciate it when we ran towards them with a face full of hope, only to frown at them and walk away defeated, realising they weren't who we were looking for).

Anyway, I had to wait until the next day to receive my package. FINALLY I got my hands on it. I applied it straight away. Now, the reviews said I would get a smell resembling alcohol rub at first. Then I wouldn't be able to smell anything for a while. Then it would hit me after about 20 minutes.

So, on application it smelled like pepper. Okay, I thought, maybe that's some people's interpretation of alcohol rub. I then waited 20 minutes. I smelled. It smelled of pepper. So I waited a further 20 minutes. It smelled like pepper. Yes, my pheromones obviously smell of pepper. To say I wasn't too thrilled is an understatement. I was devastated. But I have had 3 compliments. But it stops smelling after a few hours. So, if you ever are on public transport, or just walking down a street and you smell pepper, it will be coming from me. Or a pepper factory. Whichever is closest to you at the time.

So, that's my perfume adventures over. Yes, a big disappointment it was. But I shall not be swayed. I will find a perfume. One day, I will find The One!

So, as I said, this is probably one of my worst posts yet. But hang in there, I will be on top form soon!!

Keep Smeating Folks! (Smeating is my new word. .  .Smiling and Eating. It's surprisingly difficult to do both at the same time).

Ditzy Polka Dot xXx

The Snob Speech

                        “Hiya! Erm… just to let you know, I’m not a snob. I’m just really shy, that’s why I’m not talking to ya. Savour this though, because once you get to know me you can’t shut me up. (Cue massive smile)”

This, my friends, is my Snob Speech. This is what I say to people I don’t really know very well. You see, reading my blogs, you might not have realized that I am quite a shy person when I first meet new people. I literally go mute, no words come out. Unfortunately, this leads to awkward silences, shifty looks, and just generally …. moments of awkwardness. I don’t quite know why I’m like this but that’s just how I am. It’s just a case of like it or lump it, I suppose. 

Now, I don’t want people to think that I’m a snob. This is why I give the Snob Speech. It’s gone pretty well, and is actually quite an icebreaker. So there you go guys, if you ever find yourself in similar shoes to mine, invent your own Snob Speech!

Once people get to know me, they realize what a lunatic I actually am. I literally do not shut up at times. I’ll go on and on about complete, utter rubbish, and then forget what I’m talking about half way through. Now, I’m only in my late teens so goodness knows how I’m gonna turn out when I’m in my eighties! I also get excited about things. Sometimes, I don’t know why I’m excited… I just am. I’ll be going up to my friends, adrenaline rushing through me, and they just don’t understand (imagine the whole “I’m so excited! Are you excited because I’m sooooo excited!!” “What are you excited about??” “I don’t know but I’m just sooooooo excited!!! Talk =S).

So, the Snob Speech has gone down a treat, just so you know. I am well aware that this post is a pretty pointless post, but I thought I’d share my pointless thoughts with you! 

Oh, and just one last thing. I was talking to a friend today. He had gone to a wedding the day before (yesterday) and I asked him how it was. NOTE: My friend is a GUY. This is how the convo went…

Me:  So, how’d the wedding go?

Friend: Yeah, it was alright I suppose.

Me: How did the bride look??

Friend: Just like she normally looks. I suppose it’s up to her husband to judge though isn't it.

Me: What was her dress like??

Friend: White.

Me: Is that all you have to say? =S

Friend: Well, I didn't really pay much attention to her dress to be honest.

Me: Well, normally, girls mainly focus on what the dress is like. So what do guys normally focus on?

Friend: The bridesmaids.

That was how the conversation went. Now, there is nothing wrong with this. It was just the fact that my friend didn't have even a hint of a smirk on his face. He was deadly serious. I could not stop laughing! Made my day, so I thought I’d share that (rather pointless) conversation with you too!

Keep eating, folks!

Ditzy xXx

College = Danger

College can be a very dangerous place. Yes, many of you may be thinking the obvious… stairs, with the possibility of falling down them; slippery floors; rowdy students; paper cuts, you know, the usual. However, I had an encounter with a much more dangerous… thing. To many, it provides assistance to get where they need to go. It proves to be very useful. But to me, it is a threat. It threatens my dignity, my reputation, my coolness (=P). Friends, I am talking about… the college Lifts (or elevators, if you’re based somewhere other than the UK).

So, I had gone to the college shop to stock up on ‘supplies’ (crisps, chocolate, drinks… the usual junk). Since we were up on the 4^th floor, I decided to take the lift up. Well, that was a mistake of gargantuan proportions. As I was getting in the lift, a very kind person pressed one of the lift buttons, only for the lift doors to close…right on me. For a split second, I was crushed between the lift doors. My whole life flashed before my very own eyes. The pain on my right arm was… excruciating, to put it lightly. Friends, not only was my arm battered and bruised beyond thought but my dignity, my reputation and, yes, my mega coolness had also been crushed between those lift doors. They remain there, pining for me to take them back. However, I am unable to do this. How can I regain all these attributes?? It is impossible *sob* =’(.

What made the whole thing worse was my friend laughing at the whole event… for at least 2 hours!! You know who you are =/

So peeps, just a warning. Be careful wherever you go. The lifts are more dangerous than the streets of London, I kid you not.

Oh and as promised, a big hello to my mate Wiktoria. You know who you are my amazing Pole Mole….. Sneeeeeekars =P

Ditzy Polka Dot xXx