The 'Guys + Chunky Knit' Conundrum

Hello fellow crazy people! How are you?

It has been ages and for that I apologise. However, I am back and will hopefully stay here for a while.

Before I go any further however, I need to tell you something. I had a, what I suppose you could call,  epiphany. Or maybe it was just a moment of mental breakdown. Whichever one it was, I had it. Let me set the scene. . .

I was in T K Maxx, shopping. I had finished looking in the women's section of clothes so I decided, as a bit of a change of scenery, I would have a look at the men's clothes. So, I was looking at a garment in particular. A grey, chunky knit, men's cardigan. It was beautiful. But as I was feeling the arm of the garment, something happened. Right there and then, my whole resolve to stay single diminished before me. I felt ridiculously vulnerable and alone.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, my resolve to stay single had diminished in the Men's Section of T K Maxx.

I kid you not.

So here I am, sitting on my bed, eating Salted Popcorn feeling a little bit sorry for myself. (I also have a massive bar of Galaxy Cookie Crumble, but no one needs to know that minor detail). I have a massive list of things to do before I start into a serious relationship. Things on this list include travelling, travelling and even more travelling. I haven't even done #1 on the list, let alone #36.

However, to keep myself focused I made up a list of reasons WHY I don't want to be in a relationship. It went something like this. . . 

- I'm too 'me' orientated... I don't wanna have to consider someone else's feelings before my own. I wanna think about myself for a change. No one else. Call this narcissistic if you want, I stopped caring a looong time ago =)

- I have too many obsessions... Bruno Mars, Russell Howard, Channing Tatum ... chocolate, just eating in general, to name a few =P

- I like to go out with friends and not worry about what other people think. I don't flirt with guys. At all. But I like to have friends that are guys without someone being jealous =S

- I'm happy. Just as I am =)

- I don't want added stress =)

So, these are my reasons. *sigh of relief*... glad I got that one off my chest =)

So there you have it. I know this is a completely pointless post but I thought I'd grace you with it anyway.

Oh and just in case any of you watch The Great British Bake Off. . . HOW amazing was it?!?!?!

A MAHOOSIVE CONGRATULATIONS to John Whaite for winning!!! (I know it's highly unlikely that John follows my blog, but just in case he ever decides to Google his name, I have hopes that my blog will sneak into the search results and be seen by him =P)

Commiserations to James Morton (his 'Derelict Barn' was brilliant!!!) and Brendan Lynch (a massive contender). Again, I am in hope that they will Google their names and come across this blog xD

Ok guys, thanks for reading!

Keep smiling!

Ditzy xXx

Perfume: Stilton or Pepper, Sir/Madam?

I'm going to be honest my fellow blog-reading-cupcakes, I have no idea what to write about. I have neglected this blog for so long and literally have had no inspiration over the past few months. Literally the only thing that has popped into my mind is to tell you about my new perfume. . . So I will. Please, do not die of boredom. But be prepared. This is not going to be one of my better blogs. You might need a cuppa coffee to keep you awake for this one.

Anyway, I am going to tell you about a perfume I bought. I have been wanting to buy a really unique perfume for some time. I don't fancy smelling like everyone else. I wanted something unique and captivating (do you like my big choice of words there?). I wanted something that made peoples heads (or noses) turn.

Now, when Google-ing this, I came across something rather interesting. Celebs nowadays are trying out a new type of scent. Prepare yourselves. . . celebs are going for something called Eu De Stilton. Yes. . . Stilton. And, Yes. .  .the scent is cheese. Now, you may be in a state of shock so, being the kind person that I am, I will do the maths for you.

Eu De Stilton + Man/Woman = Man/Woman Stinking Of Cheese.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong but, if your trying to impress someone, be it your friends, family, or partner, surely cheese is not the road you want to go down. I mean, it's not even the humble MILD CHEDDAR. We're talking about something that, quite frankly, smells of sweaty feet! Why spend ridiculous amounts of money on the perfume? My not just stick a piece of actual Stilton down your top and be done with it? JUST IMAGINE public transport if this perfume was a 'success'. I mean, they already smell questionable now. A Monday morning bus/train/tube usually has the concoction of stale vomit, urine, and sometimes, oddly enough, banana's. I don't quite know where the banana scent comes from. But it's there, lurking in the corners. A relief from the other smells, but mixed up is just lethal.

Anyway, I obviously didn't want to go down the Stilton route any time soon. So I found a perfume that fitted my requirements perfectly. This perfume was a head turner. I read literally hundreds of reviews and most of them said how amazing this perfume smelled. Apparently, it is one chemical that works with your own pheromones to create a unique 'you' smell. As I said, about 99.9% of the reviews said how amazing it was and that every time they wore it, they would get complimented on it. So I thought I'd splash out and go for it. Surely, I thought, I wouldn't be like the remaining 0.1% who claimed they couldn't smell anything. So I ordered it.

The day of the arrival of my perfume came and . . . I missed the delivery. So I went to the post office to retrieve it. (Bare in mind, I rang the post office to see if I could come 15 minutes after the closing time because I wouldn't be able to get there beforehand. The gentleman was so kind that he said he would be there to give me my package). So I got there, only to find out that my parcel wasn't in fact at the Post Office but the Postman still had it. SO my friend and I drove around looking for the Postman, to no avail. (Yes, people did get slightly freaked out when we ran up to them asking if they'd seen the postman. And No, certain people in red tops didn't appreciate it when we ran towards them with a face full of hope, only to frown at them and walk away defeated, realising they weren't who we were looking for).

Anyway, I had to wait until the next day to receive my package. FINALLY I got my hands on it. I applied it straight away. Now, the reviews said I would get a smell resembling alcohol rub at first. Then I wouldn't be able to smell anything for a while. Then it would hit me after about 20 minutes.

So, on application it smelled like pepper. Okay, I thought, maybe that's some people's interpretation of alcohol rub. I then waited 20 minutes. I smelled. It smelled of pepper. So I waited a further 20 minutes. It smelled like pepper. Yes, my pheromones obviously smell of pepper. To say I wasn't too thrilled is an understatement. I was devastated. But I have had 3 compliments. But it stops smelling after a few hours. So, if you ever are on public transport, or just walking down a street and you smell pepper, it will be coming from me. Or a pepper factory. Whichever is closest to you at the time.

So, that's my perfume adventures over. Yes, a big disappointment it was. But I shall not be swayed. I will find a perfume. One day, I will find The One!

So, as I said, this is probably one of my worst posts yet. But hang in there, I will be on top form soon!!

Keep Smeating Folks! (Smeating is my new word. .  .Smiling and Eating. It's surprisingly difficult to do both at the same time).

Ditzy Polka Dot xXx

The Snob Speech

                        “Hiya! Erm… just to let you know, I’m not a snob. I’m just really shy, that’s why I’m not talking to ya. Savour this though, because once you get to know me you can’t shut me up. (Cue massive smile)”

This, my friends, is my Snob Speech. This is what I say to people I don’t really know very well. You see, reading my blogs, you might not have realized that I am quite a shy person when I first meet new people. I literally go mute, no words come out. Unfortunately, this leads to awkward silences, shifty looks, and just generally …. moments of awkwardness. I don’t quite know why I’m like this but that’s just how I am. It’s just a case of like it or lump it, I suppose. 

Now, I don’t want people to think that I’m a snob. This is why I give the Snob Speech. It’s gone pretty well, and is actually quite an icebreaker. So there you go guys, if you ever find yourself in similar shoes to mine, invent your own Snob Speech!

Once people get to know me, they realize what a lunatic I actually am. I literally do not shut up at times. I’ll go on and on about complete, utter rubbish, and then forget what I’m talking about half way through. Now, I’m only in my late teens so goodness knows how I’m gonna turn out when I’m in my eighties! I also get excited about things. Sometimes, I don’t know why I’m excited… I just am. I’ll be going up to my friends, adrenaline rushing through me, and they just don’t understand (imagine the whole “I’m so excited! Are you excited because I’m sooooo excited!!” “What are you excited about??” “I don’t know but I’m just sooooooo excited!!! Talk =S).

So, the Snob Speech has gone down a treat, just so you know. I am well aware that this post is a pretty pointless post, but I thought I’d share my pointless thoughts with you! 

Oh, and just one last thing. I was talking to a friend today. He had gone to a wedding the day before (yesterday) and I asked him how it was. NOTE: My friend is a GUY. This is how the convo went…

Me:  So, how’d the wedding go?

Friend: Yeah, it was alright I suppose.

Me: How did the bride look??

Friend: Just like she normally looks. I suppose it’s up to her husband to judge though isn't it.

Me: What was her dress like??

Friend: White.

Me: Is that all you have to say? =S

Friend: Well, I didn't really pay much attention to her dress to be honest.

Me: Well, normally, girls mainly focus on what the dress is like. So what do guys normally focus on?

Friend: The bridesmaids.

That was how the conversation went. Now, there is nothing wrong with this. It was just the fact that my friend didn't have even a hint of a smirk on his face. He was deadly serious. I could not stop laughing! Made my day, so I thought I’d share that (rather pointless) conversation with you too!

Keep eating, folks!

Ditzy xXx

College = Danger

College can be a very dangerous place. Yes, many of you may be thinking the obvious… stairs, with the possibility of falling down them; slippery floors; rowdy students; paper cuts, you know, the usual. However, I had an encounter with a much more dangerous… thing. To many, it provides assistance to get where they need to go. It proves to be very useful. But to me, it is a threat. It threatens my dignity, my reputation, my coolness (=P). Friends, I am talking about… the college Lifts (or elevators, if you’re based somewhere other than the UK).

So, I had gone to the college shop to stock up on ‘supplies’ (crisps, chocolate, drinks… the usual junk). Since we were up on the 4^th floor, I decided to take the lift up. Well, that was a mistake of gargantuan proportions. As I was getting in the lift, a very kind person pressed one of the lift buttons, only for the lift doors to close…right on me. For a split second, I was crushed between the lift doors. My whole life flashed before my very own eyes. The pain on my right arm was… excruciating, to put it lightly. Friends, not only was my arm battered and bruised beyond thought but my dignity, my reputation and, yes, my mega coolness had also been crushed between those lift doors. They remain there, pining for me to take them back. However, I am unable to do this. How can I regain all these attributes?? It is impossible *sob* =’(.

What made the whole thing worse was my friend laughing at the whole event… for at least 2 hours!! You know who you are =/

So peeps, just a warning. Be careful wherever you go. The lifts are more dangerous than the streets of London, I kid you not.

Oh and as promised, a big hello to my mate Wiktoria. You know who you are my amazing Pole Mole….. Sneeeeeekars =P

Ditzy Polka Dot xXx

Old is Gold ;)

So this week I've been working in a retirement home and so have been spending a lot of time with some pretty amazing elderly people. Let me tell you this: These guys have lead extraordinary lives!

To be completely honest, I wasn't too thrilled about working in a residential home. The thought of having to clean after people and help with their personal hygiene and other problems put me off. Please though, don't get me wrong. I am not a stuck up person who refuses to clean up after people. But believe me, being stuck in hospital on a ward full of elderly people who have no control over their bowels made me realize that, as much as I admire them, I would never be able to become a nurse. I'd rather not go into any details, but as soon as I saw a nurse wheel the commode about and those curtains being drawn, I knew what to expect but couldn't bare it at all, even though this literally happened every 20 minutes for the 3-4 days I was in.

However, I wasn't sat in bed scowling, if that's what you're thinking. I just felt sorry for the patients. I mean, to think these ladies must have lead some great lives, accomplished many things and had respected roles and to have been so independent, to then grow old and have to rely on someone for EVERYTHING. Being stripped of your dignity without being able to do anything about it. It got me really upset if I'm completely honest with you.

So anyway, you should get the picture. Being in hospital made me realise that I could never work with the infirm. However, after speaking to my (brilliant) course tutor, he encouraged me to take up a position in a residential home, where the residents don't need help with personal care so much, but just need that little extra support, company and just an eye kept on them really. So I decided to give it a go. I am sooooooooooooo glad I did!

My first day at the home I felt so sick with nerves that I thought I'd get to the front door of the Home and either collapse or cry. You'd be pleased to know, I did neither. I went in and was received by the few staff members that were there with a smile, told to take a seat with them and asked if I'd 'like a cuppa'. "Ha, they're treating me like one of them!!" I thought. I knew I'd have a great time here!

I was shown around, helped out with a few things such as handing out lunch and cups of teas throughout the day and collecting up dishes. I also had a chance to get to know some of the residents. That was THE best part of the day. Learning about one resident in particular, with her telling me all about her past career in the childcare sector and how she had stood up to various authorities and made a difference to so many children's lives was amazing and so inspiring! It made me really think about what I'd like to do in the future, because from then on, I knew wanted to make a difference just like Milly (all names have been changed to protect confidentiality).

I also met a gentleman named Norman (again all names have been changed). Before I was sent up to give Norman his cuppa, I was told that he was 103 years old (I KNOW! Can you BELIEVE it??) and that he didn't take kindly to strangers. So, with the tea shaking in my hand, my heart palpitating, nervous sweat pouring off my face (well, ok, not really, but it adds effect eh?) I knock on Normans door and enter. I give him his cuppa and ask him if he enjoyed his lunch, to which he said "well, it was nice to a point but, I was very hungry" =P. I have a bit of a chat with him and realize he is such a lovely person. In fact, I think I could go so far as to say we get on like a house on fire! So, what a great accomplishment I felt I had....accomplished? But another thing that amazed me was that he doesn't even look a century and 3 years old (it's even cooler when you put it like that in't it?). He honestly looked in his mid 60's or early 70's MAX but even that's going a bit far. I'm telling you, he hasn't even got a wrinkle on him! Whatever anti ageing he's using I want it!!

The staff are also lovely!!! You know how some people in a new workplace can be really stand-off-ish and be a bit cliquey and make you feel a little bit isolated? Well, there is none of that here! They took me in straight away and have been brilliant. They also treat the residents beautifully, just like their own family, which is VERY hard to come by these days. And it's not just a front they are putting on for me, the residents can't stop saying how well they are being looked after and how they couldn't be anywhere better.

So, I hope you've enjoyed this post. I know it's a bit different to my usual entries but I really wanted to share with you what a great time I've been having. So, if any of you are thinking about working with the elderly, I say go for it! They are GOLD (....gold, always believe in your soooooouuul, you've got the power to know........ehhhmm.........sorry, couldn't resist =P).

Oh and a side note, on my first day I was having such a great time talking to the residents that I honestly COMPLETELY forgot about having my lunch! It was about 2.30pm when I ended up having it and that was only because a member of staff asked me whether I'd had my lunch yet. And you guys KNOW how much I looooove food, right? So, it must be good!

Keep smiling folks!

Ditzy xXx

P is for Party!

So, I was invited to a house party last Saturday. Yep! A party! Wooooooooo!!! This may seem like a bit of an overreaction but, bear in mind that due to illness I haven't had a social life in about 3 months. That's 91 days!!! So as you can imagine, I decided to go all out for this one.

So I tried to plan what to wear the minute I got the invite. But that was difficult. What does one wear to these such events? I could wear a dress with heels. But then I thought that could lead to some embarrassing situations on the dance floor if I'm completely reckless. So, after much deliberation and texts to my friends, I decided on the whole 'party top, skinny jeans, heels & enough jewellery to permanently blind someone' look.

So after painfully waiting, the day of the party eventually arrived. I had my haircut that morning, which I was really happy with. I then picked a few bits and bobs up from Morrison's and got home. I was sitting on my bed, all ready to apply my fake nails when suddenly, out of absolutely NOWHERE came this wave of utter exhaustion. It was 2pm and I had to be at my friends to get ready in 2 hours. In this time, I had to pack my stuff (there was a lot of it!), apply my nails and paint my toenails (paint them black, might I add, so this would have taken about an hour since I'm sooooo clumsy when it comes to nail polish =S).

Anyway, I thought, "I've been looking forward to this party for so long, I'm not going to let tiredness get in the way!". So I decided to set my phone alarm for 2.30pm and have a bit of a catnap.

I was suddenly awoken by my mum barging into my room saying "Are you not getting ready darling??" I sleepily look at my phone and realise it's 3.15. My stupid, temperamental phone alarm didn't go off! So, as you can imagine, I rush doing my nails and pack and eventually get to my friends, 40 minutes late, but heyho, better late than never!

So, I slip (or squeeze really, with great, great difficulty. In fact, I can't bear thinking about it a moment longer) into my black skinny jeans, put my coral orange top on and my coral heels. Then a friend does my hair, another one does my make up amazingly and then I deck myself out in my jewellery. And there was a lot. I wore big gold hoops in my ears, loads chunky gold bangles and a ginormous ring on each hand, big enough to deck someone if they get weird on the dance floor =D.

So we arrived at the party, all ready to get to know new people. It was great, awkward at first but then got better. Well, the reason why I say it was awkward was because I was starving. I hadn't really eaten much the whole day and when I got there was too nervous to go up to the food table. So, the first hour was spent with me talking to people and coughing a lot because I was trying to cover up the sound of my stomach rumbling =(. But then I spotted a friend go sit right near the food table. So I went to talk to him, stuffing myself with pretzels in the process! It worked a treat! A good game plan for you fellow party-goers who find yourselves in this situation!

I caught up with some old friends, met a couple of new ones and generally had a great time. We danced, talked, laughed, took pics, reminisced, learnt to samba and just laughed a whole lot more.

A great night, finished off with an amaaaaazing kebab and a film after....couldn't get any better than that my friends!!

Oh and on a side note....I didn't take my heels off alllllll night! Sorry, but I can't help but be proud of myself for that ;) Girls reading this should understand my joy, hopefully =P

Ditzy xXx

You're Fired

Hello Ladles and Jellyspoons! How are you all???

Right, I'm not going to beat around the bush. I have a huge apology to make, so.........I'm sorry. I have been soooo busy and soooo ill that I really haven't had a chance to write notes in my calender, let alone a blog post =S. I know I have neglected this blog for far too long but I hope this will be the first and last time that this happens.

So, today I have decided to write about....."Young Apprentice". Anyone who is reading this outside the UK, I'm sorry if you have no idea what "Young Apprentice" is. So that you're not left in the lurch, I will try and fill you in a little.

"Young Apprentice" is a T.V show in which about 15 girls and boys aged between 16-17 years old compete to be the young apprentice of the year. Now these young candidates are picked from thousands of entrants. They need to have outstanding qualifications and skills and preferably have their own business. During the show, they are split into two groups and are set a different business task each week. This could be making and selling ice cream; creating a phone app; creating, pitching and selling a mother and baby product; etc. They have to get the maths, market research, creativity and everything else, perfect. The team which sells the most, wins. They then get a treat. However, one of the candidates from the losing team must be fired by none other than Lord Alan Sugar. If you don't know who he is, Google him. I really can't be bothered to explain who he is =S. When Lord Sugar fires someone he always uses the phrase "you're fired" with an assertive point of his index finger.

So anyway, I find this show really interesting and also quite a laugh. Some (or most) of the candidates are sooo opinionated. Some think their ideas are better than everyone elses and really won't let them go. They sulk. They cry. They shout. They backstab. They argue. They boss each other about. Do you see now why it's sooo great to watch??

Now, as I said earlier, these candidates are between the ages 0f 16-17. Most of them younger than me. Now I'm no dope but, these guys have done a lot to be proud of, and let me tell you....they are! But it just made me wonder, If I really wanted to, could I achieve what they have? I mean, these guys have built businesses from scratch. Sure, some of them could work on their vocabulary a little. And some could learn to LISTEN rather than talk and talk and talk. But they have done really well, so a big pat on the back to them.

But back to my epiphany (if I can call it that...maybe it's not the right word. But do you know what? I'm not really bothered! I've been dying to use this word in my blog and so there.....I've done it!) So yeah, back to my epiphany. If I really wanted to build a business from scratch, what would I do? And then it struck me, like a doughnut thrown against a window. I would start a chocolate factory!! I would make the most amazing chocolate know to man. I would create chocolate that tastes amazing, doesn't make you put on weight, is suitable for coeliacs, diabetics and the like. But the most amazing thing about it would be.........................................................................................................................................................
every time a man has a small piece, it would trigger a thingy in his brain to make him WANT to buy his wife or girlfriend or sister or mum, a pair of shoes!!!! Just IMAGINE!!!!!!



Then I awoke from my daydream, had a piece of nestle white chocolate and thought "Ah what's the point? Heaven in a bite is right here beside me and I'm thinking of replacing it with a newer model. Pfft! How dare I! I should just sit back, relax, and enjoy my unhealthy friendship with chocolate.... and worry about the weight, well, when I can be bothered. It's at this moment that I realize, I could never be on the Apprentice. I give up too easily. Dieting.................dieting.....................dieting................ooh is that cake?? See, it's never worked for me!

But for now, gym is a distant memory, exercise is a swear word, and chocolate is my therapy =D.

So until next time peeps! Keep eating =P

Ditzy Polka Dot xXx