Heartbroken Anonymous

'Heartbreak' 

It's a horrible word. It isn't a nice sounding word that describes something awful. It actually sounds bad. It's just horrible all over.

People say that heartbreak happens to older people. It's not something that kids can feel, neither is it something that teens go through. I mean sure, teens may think they've been heartbroken, but they couldn't have been really. But ladies and gents, that view is wrong. So very wrong. 

Toddlers, children, teens and adults feel heartbreak. Sure, it may be for different reasons. Obviously kids won't feel heartbreak due to a romantic relationship gone wrong. But abandonment, hate, neglect, shame. . . these are all things that can cause heartbreak. It's not all romanticised. 

Some people go through heartache and everyone knows about it. An unfaithful partner, a break up, being neglected, being abandoned, being mistreated. Lot's of people can find out about it. They can offer help and support. But that doesn't always happens. The whole world could know about it but it doesn't mean that you'll get any help to get through it. You're left to fight through it, alone. 

Then there are others. Others who go through the pain of heartache. And no one knows. No one ever finds out. No one ever will. That way no one can help. And you're left struggling, fighting this pain. Alone. You're breaking inside. And you want to literally tear your heart out because it just hurts. So much. You don't tell anyone. It's not because you don't trust them. You just don't want to reveal your weaknesses, your vulnerability, and the pure ridiculousness of it all. Because it's a stupid situation. You shouldn't be so hurt by it. It shouldn't affect you. But it does. And there is nothing you can do about it except ride it out and try to stop it from eating at you inside.

This happens way too much. Why do we give our hearts out to people who don't want it? Why does this always happen?

I'm sorry. I know this is a mega depressing post. But I can't help it. Like I said, writing is my therapy. Or maybe it's purely down to the fact that I have Beyonce's If I Were A Boy on repeat. You decide.

It's so important to keep in mind though, our reason to smile is just around the corner if we can't find it at present. Like for me, one day, I'll find that guy who completes me. The one that accepts my heart willingly. The one who makes me laugh until my insides hurt and then some. The one that shares my love of food. The one who accepts me for me, because let me tell you now, there's a lot of me to have to accept ;) Just the one who loves me as much as I love him. The one that makes me happier than anyone has ever been able to do before. Waiting is one of the hardest things though isn't it? Not knowing when it'll happen. But anyway, my time will come some day. I know it will. 

But we get down right? Sometimes, someone or something can hurt us so bad and we have to suffer in silence for a bit. We will get through it but we can't be strong all the time.

All I'm saying is, sometimes, we just have to stop pretending. Because it's tiring.

Ditzy xXx

Oh and just a quick reminder, if you want to support me via social networks I am on Facebook and Instagram. Really appreciate it guys =)

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Gloriousness + Rainbows + Jelly + Sunshine = A Gloriously Happy Mix!

I've got to say people, I'm very disappointed in myself right now. Looking back, the last post I wrote was on Saturday 31st August. That's twenty days ago! Twenty! I was supposed to submit a post at least once a week! So sorry! I will try try try to not let it happen again!

I was thinking of sticking to submitting a post on one specific day of the week, like a Monday. But then, my life is so scattered at the moment that I don't think I'll be able to stick to it. And I don't want to make promises I can't keep. Because that would be rubbish. And I'd feel worse than I do right now. So until I get a job and some sort of routine incorporated into my life, I will remain scattered and my posts will be little surprises that unexpectedly pop up into your lives like glorious rainbows that emit glittery sprinkles of joy and sunshine. . . Ok, so, maybe my blog posts don't do that as such but I thought it was a rather glorious description, don't you?

Oh and that's another thing. 'Glorious' is now my new favourite word at the moment. It's just so. . . glorious, isn't it? And it's also so terribly pretentious. Sort of like, "Yes, I am glorious. I am the epitome of glorious. And I know it. And I shall emanate gloriousness to everyone, everywhere. And I am also made of strawberry jelly. Which is also glorious. Because I am glorious."

So yeah, glorious. It's a beautiful word. Expect to hear it a lot.

Right, so, nothing really that interesting has happened in my life over the past 20 days. Which is a bit rubbish really, considering nearly a month has gone by. Especially for a 19 year old girl. I should be full of amazing, exciting stories that shock you to the core and make you wee yourself laughing. But, alas, I have no such stories. Your jeans/chinos/skirts/shorts/palazzo's/dresses can rest easy.

I'm actually very happy right now. In fact, yesterday I was so happy for some absolutely unknown reason that I made soup! Yes. I made soup. It actually surprised me that I've made so many things that are quite challenging but a simple vegetable soup intimidated the living daylights out of me. But I did it! And it turned out fab! And it made me even more happy. And that happiness has lasted all this time. And it's still here. Whooooop!

So, happiness is a good thing. Obviously. Don't you just love being in your happy place though? It made me wonder what makes other people happy. Because, as beautiful as it is, it's actually really difficult to find your happy place nowadays. We have sooooo much to keep us out of it. But when you're there, in the deep realms of your happy place, it's so beautiful. So unlike anything else, any other feeling. Just savour it. Don't let anyone distract you from it. Because once you're out of it, the search begins all over again.

But I really would like to know, what makes you happy? Like, genuinely happy? Not fake happy. Not a happy face but gloomy insides. I mean really, deeply, happy?

I guess for me, it is the little things. Definitely just being with my family. My mum, brother and sisters and a bucket of KFC. Doing nothing but talking, chilling, watching TV and eating. That makes me happy. And it makes me feel content.

Also, Nandos. Followed by an evening of drinking. Drinking Coca Cola and Milk. Mixed. In a pint glass. Mmmm! With good friends. It's the perfick evening. Try it peeps!

***DISCLAIMER: I love Nandos. Love! But NEVER could I love Nandos more than my big sister. It's physically impossible to love it more than her. So people who think I'm crazy about it, just watch out for my sis ;) ***

Also, making people laugh. I love being made to laugh. Really belly laugh. Laugh until my sides hurt, my jaws ache, and I can't breathe. There's only one person that can make me do that, and that is my big brother. But, there's something about making someone else laugh that tops all of that. It fills me with so much inner joy and happiness that it literally cannot be contained. Kind of like sunshine emanating from inside me, shining on everyone around me. (I'm aware that I've been saying 'emanate' a lot. Sorry. It just can't be stopped!) But when someone laughs because of something I've said, I literally feel on top of the world. It means a lot to me =)

Also, hearing how much people enjoy my blog. This is a new happiness that has started to emerge recently now that I've started telling people about my blog. I had a guy friend come up to me a couple of weeks ago to tell me that he was bored one day and he decided to check it out. He thought it was really good and he really enjoyed reading it. THIS made me happy. Sooooo happy.

See, I've always seen this blog as a bit of a 'girl's read'. It's not though. But I never really thought guy's would be into it. Well, brilliantly, I've been proven wrong! So a massive thank you to all my guy readers! Your views are very much appreciated! Why not stick a comment down below if you are a dude enjoying this post? ;)

Now, I don't want to end on a low note. But I thought this was worth sharing. . .

About two weeks ago, I was really down. I was sick of being single. I felt alone, depressed, hopeless and just absolutely rubbish. Everyone was in a relationship or building up to a relationship. Some of my friends had people they liked. I didn't even have that. I wasn't interested in any guys around here and it got me depressed.

In fact, I was so upset (also extremely menstrual) that I felt a tear trickle down my cheek. But it wasn't full blown crying. Oh no. I had one tear. As much as I tried, no more would come. One tear. One! Because yes, ladies and gentlemen, even my tears are single now.

And to top it all off, I couldn't even comfort eat because there was a flippin' daddy long legs hovering about in my kitchen that I so wasn't ready to deal with. And I couldn't help but think, if I had a man, he'd be able to get it for me and be my knight in shining armour bearing chocolate and all things buttery. . .

*sigh* I must be calm. Happy place. Happy place!!!!

So yeah, during that period of time, wedding/engagement/dating/boyfriend/girlfriend/couples/love were all forbidden swear words to me.

But alas, I am out of that awful phase now. My time will come. I'd just appreciate it if it hurried up a bit. Just a little bit. And I'd also appreciate it if it had better punctuality than my past life events =S

But anyway, that's everything for now. I need to start job hunting *picks up cape and hunting gear*. . . I don't actually know what's included in hunting gear hence the vagueness. But meh, use your imagination people!

Have a good day my lovely readers. Be happy. Never stop. Find your happy place and set up camp there for a while.

Keep smiling folks!

Ditzy xXx

Abandonment and Goodbyes: Diabetes, Sugar Cravings, Insulin Pumps, Sadness, Happiness, Weight Loss, Inspiration, Loneliness, Friendships. . .

Well hello there my beautiful cupcakes! How are you all? Scrumptious as ever I hope!

Apologies for the (nearly) one month gap since last writing a post! Things have been pretty hectic with doctors appointments and my (now on the rise) social life. . . Yes! I now have a social life! *SHOCK, HORROR, COMPLETE MORTIFICATION* ;)

So, Abandonment and Goodbyes. Such lovely topics of conversation for a Saturday evening, right? Well, this post won't be all doom and gloom, I promise.

So, since finding out about my kidneys, my docs have now tightened the reins on getting my blood sugar levels sorted, which is brilliant. My control is now fab but my craving's are not. Seriously, I have the ridiculous cravings that should come with pregnancy and I assure you, I'm not pregnant. In fact, I have the cravings of a woman expecting octuplets.

**NB: I'm not sure if the amount you crave depends on how many kids you're expecting. but for effect, let's pretend that the more proverbial 'buns' you have in the oven, the more literal buns you crave. You know the ones I'm talking about. The sweet pastry with the sugar icing dripping deliciously down the sides, crying out "Eat me, eat me. If you don't, I'll die a painful and undignified death by being chucked in the supermarket bins and then gnawed mercilessly on by rats". Yeah. . . them ones. **

So these cravings have been terrible. But I have refrained from binging on junk food. Apart from the occasional KFC (twice in three weeks. . . that's good for me!). The main thing that has motivated me to keep away from the unashamedly calorific isle in Asda is my brother. My brother has done amazingly recently! To me, he has always been the perfect example of how a man should be. People have their dad's to look at for that. I have my brother =)

But anyway, my brother has been dedicated to losing weight for the past couple of months. He wasn't big by any means but he wanting to lose some. And with a strict healthy eating regime and by going on power walks every day, my brother has lost 10.5lbs in two weeks!

Now, coming from a person who thought only a KFC at the end of a walk would make me actually go for a walk, it should mean a lot to you guys to find out that my brother has become my inspiration. Yes, my big brother, lovingly know to me as Shezzy/Shez/Shezalot/Shozes (wow, spellcheck is having a fit right now), has motivated and inspired me to go for more walks. He has been the one I've thought of when craving Aldi's Hazelnut Chocolate, Ben & Jerry's Cookie Dough Ice Cream, Gregg's Glazed Ring Donughts, or even my beloved Coca Cola and Milk (Cilk/Moca Mola). He's the one that has inspired me to eat well and be more active.

So just a little note to say thank you Shezzy! And well done!!! You've done amazingly and I'm sooo proud of you. And I love you lots =)

Now, a slightly sombre part of this post is to follow that high note. Patrick aka Patrizio, my soul mate that was my insulin pump, has sadly passed away. Last night whilst doing a set change, he started to play up and after ringing the helpline, I was told that he would need to be replaced. I am currently in a state of mourning, people. Yes, I have grown unbelievably attached to an electronic medical device. I never thought I'd utter those words in my life and yet here I am, typing them out in black and white for the whole world to see. I am officially a freak.

But it is surprising how attached one can get to something so non-human. I mean, I've had this guy attached to my stomach for 19 months. He's stayed by my side all day and all night without fail. I've got annoyed with his beeping, I've appreciated his warnings and reminders, and I've even talked to him. I can't even call 'him' 'it', even though I know he's more an 'it' than a 'him'. Does that make sense? Probably not. Sorry.

So today the delivery man came to give me my new pumps and to take Patrick away. I actually hesitated giving him to the delivery guy. But I was strong. I did it. Patrick is gone but never forgotten. He will always be my main dude and my first pump. Now I have this other one sat on my bed and I need to give him a name. Though in all honesty, I love the name 'Patrick' so much that I might just call this new one Patrick Jr. In memory of old Patrizio.

Though, to be honest, I think I reacted with more emotion to this situation than was necessary due to the way I was feeling before. I felt lonely. One of my beautiful friends got married last weekend. he wedding was spectacular and the bride looked absolutely gorgeous. I am so happy for them, I literally cannot stop a smile from breaking out now while I think of them on their special day.

But weddings, as lovely as they are, are the perfect thing to highlight the fact that you're single. And I couldn't help but feel this loneliness since then. I just felt so alone, even amongst my amazing friends! It's all so annoying and confusing. SO here I was, feeling alone and depressed and BAM! Patrick dies on me. I mean, come on! Not even a computer can put up with me for that long ='(

But meh, I suppose it's just one of those things. When a relationship happens, it happens. I just have to try not to mope about not being in one in the meantime.

So on that joy of a note, I shall say goodbye. I need to get ready to go and chill with one of my amazing girlies. Malibu and coke. . . here I come ;)

Oh and just a quick note to say thank you everyone!!! I have hit over 1,000 pageviews and that's all because of you beautiful people! I cannot express how much it builds my confidence and fills me with joy that I have people interested in my random ramblings! So thank you, thank you, thank you! You guys are amazing!!!

Keep smiling folks!

Ditzy xXx

The 'Guys + Chunky Knit' Conundrum

Hello fellow crazy people! How are you?

It has been ages and for that I apologise. However, I am back and will hopefully stay here for a while.

Before I go any further however, I need to tell you something. I had a, what I suppose you could call,  epiphany. Or maybe it was just a moment of mental breakdown. Whichever one it was, I had it. Let me set the scene. . .

I was in T K Maxx, shopping. I had finished looking in the women's section of clothes so I decided, as a bit of a change of scenery, I would have a look at the men's clothes. So, I was looking at a garment in particular. A grey, chunky knit, men's cardigan. It was beautiful. But as I was feeling the arm of the garment, something happened. Right there and then, my whole resolve to stay single diminished before me. I felt ridiculously vulnerable and alone.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, my resolve to stay single had diminished in the Men's Section of T K Maxx.

I kid you not.

So here I am, sitting on my bed, eating Salted Popcorn feeling a little bit sorry for myself. (I also have a massive bar of Galaxy Cookie Crumble, but no one needs to know that minor detail). I have a massive list of things to do before I start into a serious relationship. Things on this list include travelling, travelling and even more travelling. I haven't even done #1 on the list, let alone #36.

However, to keep myself focused I made up a list of reasons WHY I don't want to be in a relationship. It went something like this. . . 

- I'm too 'me' orientated... I don't wanna have to consider someone else's feelings before my own. I wanna think about myself for a change. No one else. Call this narcissistic if you want, I stopped caring a looong time ago =)

- I have too many obsessions... Bruno Mars, Russell Howard, Channing Tatum ... chocolate, just eating in general, to name a few =P

- I like to go out with friends and not worry about what other people think. I don't flirt with guys. At all. But I like to have friends that are guys without someone being jealous =S

- I'm happy. Just as I am =)

- I don't want added stress =)

So, these are my reasons. *sigh of relief*... glad I got that one off my chest =)

So there you have it. I know this is a completely pointless post but I thought I'd grace you with it anyway.

Oh and just in case any of you watch The Great British Bake Off. . . HOW amazing was it?!?!?!

A MAHOOSIVE CONGRATULATIONS to John Whaite for winning!!! (I know it's highly unlikely that John follows my blog, but just in case he ever decides to Google his name, I have hopes that my blog will sneak into the search results and be seen by him =P)

Commiserations to James Morton (his 'Derelict Barn' was brilliant!!!) and Brendan Lynch (a massive contender). Again, I am in hope that they will Google their names and come across this blog xD

Ok guys, thanks for reading!

Keep smiling!

Ditzy xXx